Getting used to life without Guy

I've begun to realize that some kind of resilience always steps in to take the place of strength who walks out when I'm in my worst moments. Guy has been on my mind and in my heart from the time I've woken up right down to the setting of the sun and the beaming light of the moon. I've been helplessly longing for him and looking out for him even though my friends say that it's time to let him go. But now I've reached a new stage in my life of not wanting my babies to have anything to do with him anymore. I'm determined to keep them as far away from their father as is possible, so that his negative influence especially when he's underr the influence of liquor, does not hurt their fragile feelings.

Yet at the same time, I find myself making a subconscious effort to allow him access into their lives should he clean up his act and be the nice sober man I once knew - the man who loved me with all his heart and his soul and co-erced me into sticking with him through thick - through thin.

There's a strain of forgiveness in my heart that makes me as vulnerable as to want to open the doors of my heart to him in a matter of seconds should he sincerely apologize to me. Friends say I'm a sucker and that I have to look out for myself and not give him a foothold in my life ever again. Easier said that done when you're in the delicate postition that I am.

Having said that, I've begun to realize that I'm less dependent on this man who just days ago, made my heart skip and beat in love. How is this possible? I can't believe that I've gotten over this pain as quickly as in a matter of days. I feel numbed towards him. Nothing else can hurt me and I've grown as strong as a cactus plant in a dessert!

On a different note, I find that Junior is an avid reader of his mummy's blog. I'm touched that my little baby who is growing up way too soon for my liking, is my precious reader-premiere! I want you to know that both mummy and daddy love you and mummy is going to make sure that daddy remains in your life just the way you want him to EVEN if mummy has her little disagreements now and then!

And mummy is keeping well now, no longer crying the way she did on monday night.

Thank you all for listening to my posts. It's sure nice to have the love and support of my blogsphere at a time in my life when the world started caving in. I can't believe how well I'm holding up. Thank you for reading the ramblings and rants of Just Chillin'. It has helped me get over the pain that I thought would positively kill me, considering the strong hold Guy has upon my life, upon my heart for so many, many years.