Saved from Disaster

I wouldn't want my kids growing up in an atmosphere riddled with constant bickering, lousy moods, smoke, drugs and tattooed uncle's arms raising them up to the sky in some effort to appreciate the babies their women have birthed for them. But believe it or not, that's what was in store for my kids.

If I had gotten custody of my darlings, I would have given them a sober, loving home with peace and rest for their troubled souls. The harmony-less, restless life-style of my husband would surely have killed my babies and caused them to grow up cold, confused, estranged and lonely for sure. But I would have had no choice. The grandmother of my babies would have ruled with her iron rod and interfering bicker while the glum old man who sat by his television set all day would have had nothing of inspirational value for their growing minds. What schools would accept the renegade daddy who'd scoff at the teachers and stubbornly refuse to walk in during parent-teacher's mettings?

A cigarette butt at their lips at their earliest age, a little bit of marijuana, a completel ban on short skirts, absolutely no values, no principles and most of all - no love.

I've come a long way from where I once stood with a man who professed his love to me and promised to be a great daddy to our babies. I've done the best thing any woman can do. I've saved them from the wrath of their father. I've prevented them from being at the but end of his tantrums, his temper, his coldness and his beatings. I could never have stood by and watched while he belted my little son for simply being mischievous. It would have broken my heart.

Looking back I can't imagine that I shared a bed with the man who would have ruined my life forever. But I'm glad I did him good. I never hurt him back, I never hurt his feelings. I negotiated for all that I won with a smile on my face and very little if not absolutely no malice. He was poison to my soul and yet I allowed him to take his own cool time to fizzle out of my life.

I'm glad I and my babies are safe. Safe to enjoy life, safe to feel the love of a caring man whose love would envelope us and provide the security that only a father and a great husband would provide. But every now and then my mind goes back to the hell that was life, the darkest periods of my life and it's during those times that I get down on my knees and thank God my Father for taking me out of a situation that would have seen me living my life - dying just a little bit every day.

Sometimes things don't work out for me and I've wondered why they didn't. But I always realize that it's always been an avenue out of something that could have hurt me for life that I was blind to see at that time.

My love was blind and I would have paid a heavy cost. It it was just myself suffering, it would have been just me and my emotional baggage. But no way could I subject my precious angels to that kind of life. The scars on those gentle souls would have grown deep and I would have been helpless, seeing them grow into a next generation version of their father. Bitther, cold and confused about life. I made a huge mistake falling in love with him and beating all odds to be with him - all against the advice that I got from friends and family who warned me not to go into it. But go into it I did.

Life hasn't been easy but one thing I know for sure. I loved him and I never denied him that love. Not even after we parted company.

At the end of the day, I'm glad I didn't hurt the man I now no longer associate with.

But I'm gladder still that I closed the door on all hell breaking loose, on my family, on my friends, on my babies, on - me.

This song sums it all up for me.