Getting used to life without Guy

I've begun to realize that some kind of resilience always steps in to take the place of strength who walks out when I'm in my worst moments. Guy has been on my mind and in my heart from the time I've woken up right down to the setting of the sun and the beaming light of the moon. I've been helplessly longing for him and looking out for him even though my friends say that it's time to let him go. But now I've reached a new stage in my life of not wanting my babies to have anything to do with him anymore. I'm determined to keep them as far away from their father as is possible, so that his negative influence especially when he's underr the influence of liquor, does not hurt their fragile feelings.

Yet at the same time, I find myself making a subconscious effort to allow him access into their lives should he clean up his act and be the nice sober man I once knew - the man who loved me with all his heart and his soul and co-erced me into sticking with him through thick - through thin.

There's a strain of forgiveness in my heart that makes me as vulnerable as to want to open the doors of my heart to him in a matter of seconds should he sincerely apologize to me. Friends say I'm a sucker and that I have to look out for myself and not give him a foothold in my life ever again. Easier said that done when you're in the delicate postition that I am.

Having said that, I've begun to realize that I'm less dependent on this man who just days ago, made my heart skip and beat in love. How is this possible? I can't believe that I've gotten over this pain as quickly as in a matter of days. I feel numbed towards him. Nothing else can hurt me and I've grown as strong as a cactus plant in a dessert!

On a different note, I find that Junior is an avid reader of his mummy's blog. I'm touched that my little baby who is growing up way too soon for my liking, is my precious reader-premiere! I want you to know that both mummy and daddy love you and mummy is going to make sure that daddy remains in your life just the way you want him to EVEN if mummy has her little disagreements now and then!

And mummy is keeping well now, no longer crying the way she did on monday night.

Thank you all for listening to my posts. It's sure nice to have the love and support of my blogsphere at a time in my life when the world started caving in. I can't believe how well I'm holding up. Thank you for reading the ramblings and rants of Just Chillin'. It has helped me get over the pain that I thought would positively kill me, considering the strong hold Guy has upon my life, upon my heart for so many, many years.

KOTTU I need your help ..

In the midst of all the mayhem in my life that just this morning promises to be the best thing that could have happened to me in the light of my fellow-blogger's words, I finally managed to obtain the identity of "Anonymous" who frequently leaves vulgar comments on my posts. "Anonymous" left the following comment ...

Hello Miss Pathetically Patient, how long do you intend staying here plaguing us with your sad sorry tales?

Paul, Wyomi & Natalie

Who in the bloggingsphere is "Paul", "Wyomi" and Natalie"?

All I know is that they are 3 bloggers who constantly leave hurtful coments on my blog.

I have done them no harm and yet they continue to show interest in my life by reading my blog regularly (which I don't grudge them for doing) and leaving anonymous comments that border on the vulgar, hurtful and offensive.

I'me going through a tough period in my life and would really appreciate it if you'd help me atleast know who these 3 bloggers are and why they seem to be lurking around my blog and leaving hateful comments that are really confusing as I see no reason why they'd continuously be such avid readers of my blog if they feel plagued by my sad stories.

To you, "Paul" ..
To you, "Wyomi" ..
To you, "Natalie" .. whoever you are.

The words of a fellow-blogger of mine sums it all up for me. May you apply these words to your life.

"Remember, in the absence of everything else, you are your own judge. CONSCIENCE… I have mine in tact. How about you dear anonymous?"

Lost

The past few days have been days full of solemn quietness in which I've hardly spoken to anyone. I've kind of lost energy though I do perform my duties to a finish, it's without zest or the zeal to look forward to anything better. The lowness of mood carries on until the wee hours of the morning when I flip my phone hoping that Guy might have sent me a text but it's in the negative. Complete silence from him, complete silence from me. I've cried myself to sleep twice, missing him whenever I've switched on the radio and heard some heart tugging ballad from the 80s.

There are times during the day when I long to hear from him. I wish upon wish that my phone beeping is Guy to telling me that he's doing okay. But no. Guy has managed to maintain a stoic silence. And as Sunela advised in a previous post, I've decided to cut off all contact too.

I guess my greatest fear lies in the single sentence.

Will I be forgotten?

The ultimate end of Guy

It's 12:22 in the middle of the night and I'm sitting here after finally ending things with Guy after 2 years, 3 months and 12 days of trying hard to understand him and be there for him however long our long-distance relationship was.

It's with an ache in my heart that I think of the many nights I spent half of my bank account on calls on this man who captured my heart and made me love him so desparately that it all ended like a flash in the pan.

He knows all my secrets. There's nothing I've hidden from him. Half of me feels the insecurity creeping into the vulnerable pockets of the cloak I now call life. What do you do when you've trusted a man so completely that you've never prepared yourself for this end?

But the end has come. And it hurts.

Where do I even start to look for comfort when my heart grieves for him? What do I do when my hand reaches out to the phone and then realizes it cannot type those texts to the companion of my life?

How does one get over the ache in the pit of one's chest that tightens when it realizes that things will never be the same again?

I miss him. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I do.

Where do I go from here?

The end of Guy

Guy almost always manages to break my heart. Tonight he gave me a drunken call from a million miles away from where I stood with my phone pressed to my ear, as he drunkenly started out talking sweetly, only to end up making my heart break with his careless words and insensitive banter.

Guy professes to be in love with me still and I have a special place in my heart for him but as I wrote this post I have an intense and bitter hatred towards him just for tonight and the way he made me feel about myself. That's the key to any relationship isn't it? You guage whether a person's good for you by measuring the way that person makes you feel about yourself at the end of the day (depending of course on whether or not you're a good person to begin with which is almost always taken for granted)

Guy spoke about a girl he could talk absolutely anything with and praised her to the hilt, breaking my jealous heart by saying she's the person he had just taken an overseas call to. He then accused me of keeping something from him when I wasn't doing that in the least, going on to say that I'm the protector of all, the middle man, and that I was keeping this from him as well. I realized then and there, that Guy was very difficult to get on with. He was strongly opinionated and always refused to admit defeat ot confess to being in the wrong.

The manner in which he blamed me for being there for someone when I shouldn't have been and dictated terms through the entirely of the conversation that ended just before I sat down to write this post, made me realize that he was abusing our friendship and hurting me endlessly, contributing little to my life when I have been there for him on more than a dozen occassions. It made me suddenly feel vulnerable and unable to trust again. For Guy was turning around and throwing back at me the very things that I had confidentially shared with him.

I hate Guy for that :(

Tomorrow morning Guy is going to text me and ask me whether he spoke any crap in his drunken state. And he's going to ask it with a smiley face as if it were funny.

What should I say? Does it even deserve a reply?

Authoritarian Bow

Bow has been a great friend in times of crisis, often unfolding his arms to catch me whenever I've taken the big fall. The manner in which he staunchly defends me has touched my heart many a time and there's been one particular period in my life when he has cared and stood with me till the fragments of my heart were picked up and pieced back together as delicately as only he could have done.

Some of you confirmed that Bow seemed to be in love with me on a previous post and I hastened to add that my own feelings dictated so too. I however, have absolutely no feelings for him and he happens to be at the bottom of my list of "favoured beaus" even though he tops it when it comes to being a wonderful friend.

But something about him irked me today and that was his authoratative take on how I should live my life and treat another guy who happened to be my bossom buddy. The manner in which he dissed him and immediately suggested that he was not the best of people just because he's been through the worst of times, made me feel a distase in my mouth for Bow - something which caused a great deal of personal concern in my heart because I couldn't believe that I was feeling that way about Bow who considers me his closest friend.

This was when I realized that one of the keys to real friendship is allowing your friend to blossom and have his or her space without infringing on it or attempting to thwart it with your own opinion. There has to be give and take and being a friend does not give you the right to dictate or hold the reigns to your friend's heart.

I also realized that one of the qualities I most hate about a person is "dictatorship". I am a free spirit and I detest those types of personalities that assume authority over me.

What do you when you have an authoritarian friend? As you may know, it's not something that can be discussed with him as it would be awkward to fight over it. But what can be the rationale for his behaviour and how do I get over this strong dislike for his ways?

On a different note, I haven't been having the best of weeks. Just when I thought I was over the hurdle of addiction I went back to it. I guess it's a struggle and a long wait before I know that I'm completely over my demons. I completely lost it and went back to the things that I have been staying away from so successfully.

Please tell me. With regards to this post, where do I go from here? Have you ever successfully broken a habit or torn yourself away from an addiction? Because I'm certainly in need of help. And I don't know how to help myself because I seem to be doing a very poor job of it : (

Rehani is NB!!!

Or is she?

I'd beg to differ.

There have been accusations, allegations, discussions and debate on the actual veracity of Rehani's identity. There are some who swear that it's NB and they insist so blindly with as much conviction as the donkey who brays for its food.

I for one know for a fact that the 20 year old girl Rehani who has a strong headed opinion on most matters islam-related or otherwise, is NOT the often misunderstood and outspoken NB.

Yet I fail to see the point in attaching such importance to whether or not they were one and the same person when their blogs generate posts meant for reading and commenting on. Why cast assumptions and querry into the dubiousness of their identities when they themselves insist that they are who they say they are?

The situation in itself reminds me of society and its general tendency to judge, misjudge and then insist that the lie is the truth and the truth is the lie, regardless of whether or not the facts speak for themselves. Very often, NB who exposes the truth for what it is, finds himself in hotwater while Rehani picks on the most controversial topics that would make any peace-loving blogger throw daggers at her just for her outlandish content!

Rehani isn't NB and NB isn't Rehani. I'm sure of that.

So let's just leave those two alone and let them carry on blogging, shall we?

Hell hath no fury like a woman's wrath!

I strike till it hurts and feel the pleasant vibe of satisfaction drool through my head and into my body whenever revenge has been sweet and sweetly taken.

"What an awful woman!" you might chide, condemning me to the annals of the archives containing the most horrible human beings on the planet. But I'm just being honest and transparent about how badly I react towards those who have caused me pain. I like to see them sink to new lows and it gives me immense fulfilment seeing them get what they deserved, with a high feeling that lasts me a number of days!

I know I sound terrible but I've realized that that is who I am. And the worst part is that inversely, I never appreciate or laud honour on those who have been good to me. Those people are revered no doubt, but they do not experience the extremities of my emotions in quite the same way.

You see I've been pushed into a corner and butchered when I've been nothing short of innocent and a victim of circumstance in the past. My survival instincts contributed towards making me a stronger woman.

Am I a bad person? Is it only me? Should I change or atleast strive to re-adjust some qualities within me? Do you hate me for being this way? Am I vile?

You're the judge. And there does another personal and honest post straight from the arteries of my heart.

What in your opinion is the BEST MJ song ever?

(If your song is already in the list, state your next best song)

Lessons in life - Easy does it

Personal life-wise, I've had a lot going on than I give credit for in this blog!Sometimes I wonder if anyone in this world could ever fully understand the kaleidoscope of emotions, the myriad of contemplative thoughts that have been working themselves through this head and heart of mine! Sometimes you feel like you really go it alone in this world. Other times you understand that the best person to keep you company on this journey is a self-fulfilled you.

I've felt an amazing amount of peace in my life since last Tuesday or so. The wonder of being at peace with oneself, calm and tranquil in the sea of togetherness as a person has really boosted my self esteem. "Here's another emo girl" you might think, shaking your head! Oh no, I'm not that much of an emo-person actually. It's only because this blog is a mirror-reflection of the inner-most workings of my self that I tend to write this way, bringing all to the surface.

Staying away from sex has been the best decision I've made in a long time. Along with that decision is the decision I made to never sensationalize events by working around them in such a way as would hurt another person. For that I have "anonymous" to thank for. Receiving all those doses of anonymous comments which made absolutely no sense and yet hurt a part of me, made me realize how much a small misgiving can go a long way in hurting another person. I've decided to never be an "anonymous" myself. Whether in anger or in dire hurt. Thus my brush with "anonymous" helped change me into a better person, too.

I've learnt to love myself. Learnt to see every mistake as a mark on the sand, washed away by the still waters that brush my cheeks and skim over every teardrop that falls. I also see that the uniqueness of me is something I alone can boast of. There's no other person in this whole world like me and there never will be. Once I stop breathing and living, the world with all its problems will be over. The day my heart goes into "cardiac-arrest" state like Michael's did, nothing will trouble ot or worry it anymore.

How many of us amble through life, drudging our way along the streets of time or getting stressed over the small inadequecies of life only to pile up many more "complex" sheets that burden our already tired shoulders? It just isn't worth it.

I've gone past that (I think and hope) and learnt that the best thing in life, is to take it easy (Eagles-style). And that's the biggest and best lesson I learnt through this past week. To stay positive and never breathe in the negativity that infuses our soul, only to crush it and squash the life out of it!

Another door closes

Hot on the heels of my gigantic leap up the corporate ladder, I got word today to my dismay, that a position that I've been longing to have and eying for some number of years, is unavailable to me as the door has been shut on my face, subject to an unfair blow on my qualifications for it by a rivalling company that I used to be in.

What is hardest to handle right now is just the mere fact that the basis for my disqualification is something that's completely out of my hands and beyond my control.

I ought to be shattered right now, but I'm going to take a leap of faith and choose to believe that there's nothing in the world that can stop me from being the best of who I was meant to be. If there's to be no more potential in this avenue, I ought to wipe the dust off my feet at its carpet and head on down the doorway to the next post right?

I must say I'm feeling a little downcast and heavy hearted after this piece of news. I'm sorry I've been boring you guys with all of this. I just thought of blogging about it to get things off the recesses of my mind.

Hope you all are having a better mid-week that I am.

Saved from Disaster

I wouldn't want my kids growing up in an atmosphere riddled with constant bickering, lousy moods, smoke, drugs and tattooed uncle's arms raising them up to the sky in some effort to appreciate the babies their women have birthed for them. But believe it or not, that's what was in store for my kids.

If I had gotten custody of my darlings, I would have given them a sober, loving home with peace and rest for their troubled souls. The harmony-less, restless life-style of my husband would surely have killed my babies and caused them to grow up cold, confused, estranged and lonely for sure. But I would have had no choice. The grandmother of my babies would have ruled with her iron rod and interfering bicker while the glum old man who sat by his television set all day would have had nothing of inspirational value for their growing minds. What schools would accept the renegade daddy who'd scoff at the teachers and stubbornly refuse to walk in during parent-teacher's mettings?

A cigarette butt at their lips at their earliest age, a little bit of marijuana, a completel ban on short skirts, absolutely no values, no principles and most of all - no love.

I've come a long way from where I once stood with a man who professed his love to me and promised to be a great daddy to our babies. I've done the best thing any woman can do. I've saved them from the wrath of their father. I've prevented them from being at the but end of his tantrums, his temper, his coldness and his beatings. I could never have stood by and watched while he belted my little son for simply being mischievous. It would have broken my heart.

Looking back I can't imagine that I shared a bed with the man who would have ruined my life forever. But I'm glad I did him good. I never hurt him back, I never hurt his feelings. I negotiated for all that I won with a smile on my face and very little if not absolutely no malice. He was poison to my soul and yet I allowed him to take his own cool time to fizzle out of my life.

I'm glad I and my babies are safe. Safe to enjoy life, safe to feel the love of a caring man whose love would envelope us and provide the security that only a father and a great husband would provide. But every now and then my mind goes back to the hell that was life, the darkest periods of my life and it's during those times that I get down on my knees and thank God my Father for taking me out of a situation that would have seen me living my life - dying just a little bit every day.

Sometimes things don't work out for me and I've wondered why they didn't. But I always realize that it's always been an avenue out of something that could have hurt me for life that I was blind to see at that time.

My love was blind and I would have paid a heavy cost. It it was just myself suffering, it would have been just me and my emotional baggage. But no way could I subject my precious angels to that kind of life. The scars on those gentle souls would have grown deep and I would have been helpless, seeing them grow into a next generation version of their father. Bitther, cold and confused about life. I made a huge mistake falling in love with him and beating all odds to be with him - all against the advice that I got from friends and family who warned me not to go into it. But go into it I did.

Life hasn't been easy but one thing I know for sure. I loved him and I never denied him that love. Not even after we parted company.

At the end of the day, I'm glad I didn't hurt the man I now no longer associate with.

But I'm gladder still that I closed the door on all hell breaking loose, on my family, on my friends, on my babies, on - me.

This song sums it all up for me.