Breaking my bondage with Sex

This is going to be a very sensitive post and I don't know how this will end up. Whether it will be a cry for help or an admission of weakness. A resolute steadfastness to keep going the way I am, or a complete break down that will concur a change. This will be my most personal post and I hope that it will be well-received and not dished for being controversially out of line.

I seem to be having a problem that troubles me no end. It all began with a flirtatious affair that ended with a sexual twist many years ago. The inception of the sexual awakened in me, a yearning for those still unfulfilled needs to be met. I tried so hard to stay away from those moments I gullibly set myself up for. But I failed each time and ended up succumbing to temptation.

Being a girl, expressing my sexual needs has always been a taboo. But I soon began to experience all the sex the world had to offer, but not without conscience, ethic and a total unwillingness to break another's heart. I'm proud to put on record, the fact that to this date, I have never played - never toyed with another's heart. I have had my own heart broken and dashed into a million pieces, my own dreams taken cruelly away from me, but not one of those guys would ever testify to the fact that I have been party to hurting any one of them and that is some sort of solace in the wake of all that has been happening in my personal life. The most intimate moments I have shared have been moments that have left the guy happy and fulfilled. Sex has never been my ulterior weapon and I am determined that it should NEVER be.

However, I remain desperate at the mercy of my yearning for the act of love. It is found in places with enough ease to make me realize that I will never fall into the category of "desperate and needy", because I have always had a place to call my own. Arms in which to find love and keep love. Still, the patterns my life seems to be inviting and encouraging frighten me. In fact, I've begun to desire a life that is devoid of sex. So great is my keeness to address what seems to be a budding problem in my most personal life.

How does one stay away from sex all together? And with it I intend to attach masturbation and pornography. Fantasy and everything to do with sexual thoughts and lust. I have been told that this is an extreme and completely unnecessary road to journey on but the last few days have had me thinking and thinking hard about the direction my life is heading for. I need to make this change. I just don't know how to.

So please, if you have any thoughts or advice, tips or opinion, please share it with me. I'm tired of living this life. Others who look at me envy me, calling me the "doll" of any and every guy who dates me. But the truth is, my heart isn't happy with the way my life is going. Pornography is harmless, masturbation is a natural release, say my friends. But I know that in my personal life, these things are arrows pointing towards the big event - sex. And I'm desparate to stay clean and live a life that is pure and undefiled from it.

I have found my moments of depression stemming from the "morning after" feel that always accompanies the act of making love. I'm tired of the vacuum and emptiness that fills my mind. Sex is no longer a fun thing to do. Neither is it deep when accompanied with love. The reason for this? Is that I have been having too much of it. I've reached a point in my life where I have to do this for me, not regarding the relationships and ties that are involved. I just know there is an answer, I just haven't found it yet.

How does one stay away from sex?