Horny, but without sex!

Here is my latest entry as a girl who's newly (4 days old) turned her back on sex with all its perils and disastrous implications.

I was caught in temptations way but I didn't yield. And the reasons for that are based solely on the feedback and words of most of my blogging friends. And I owe them a "Thank You" for the encouragement and support.

I know it's out of norm for a person to bare it all online and talk about her inadquacies and weaknesses but it's beautiful the way expressing oneself and opening one's heart out to another even via the internet and one's personal blog, can help a person on his or her journey through life isn't it?

I know it's too early to make a prediction but I feel that this is the end of the very things that I wondered if I'd ever quit getting myself into. I feel like my life has been re-prioritised. My head feels clearer and I feel like a torchlight has been shone along the path on which I intend to continue travelling on.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'm referring to my decision to stop putting myself into positions of having random sexual encounters with even the nicest of blokes.

Life feels good after all!

Being in control of one's life is key isn't it? It's when you lose control or feel that external events and individuals manupilate the steering wheel of your life, that you tend to begin to lose it. Or atleast that's how I felt the last couple of months.

Sure I may miss it. Sure I may be horny ;) but that doesn't mean that I get into something that has me enslaved into it. It's hard to say no to something has brings you a lot of pleasure but saying no to something just because you have decided that you don't want it, brings a far greater pleasure that is unparallelled.

I'm hoping I can remain strong on my journey from hereon. I've never succeeded in giving a thing up before, but I intend to give up many more things in the coming months. Will keep you posted on it.

For now? It's Goodbye Lust. Hello Peaceful Satisfaction.

How we manage our Money, our Time and our Relationships are the 3 most important factors about life, aren't they?

"I'm not going to spend my life being a colour" - Michael Jackson (Black or White)

Why do we leave "anonymous" comments?

Lately I have been receiving some worthless comments that have meant nothing to me at first, but now seem to be getting under my skin. I feel that there are tramps and trolls lurking around my blog and that doesn't make me feel too comfortable!

Sifting through my list of "comments", I re-read some pretty bad ones that shocked and saddened me, considering that we're all here and here for a reason - to blog and share our thoughts in a friendly, clean atmosphere. The comments seem to have been penned by a slightly deviated mind with the intention of causing just a little bit of trouble (if possible) in my waters.

Why do we hurt eachother under the guise of "anoymous"? What can be accomplished by leaving comments that make absolutely no sense sans the repect that ought to be shown towards a fellow blogger or reader?

I was just thinking. It has everything to do with background and upbringing and where we come from, doesn't it? The very intent to abuse someone else anonymously, shows a degree of fear of doing so in the open by revealing identity, thereby proving that the anoymous writer has great concern to not be found out which in turn means that he/she actually fears some sort of repurcussion for whatever reason it may be. Perhaps the anonymous writer is someone known to the blogger who temporarily slips into Jeckel-like shoes whilst playing Hyde at other times.

The most disconcerting fact to me personally, is the fact that Kottu is not the place I knew it to be. Those of us who have grown up in Kottu would remember the days when there was hardly a malicious comment left. Even diagreements were argued reasonably. But times change and newer people come into the fray. I guess that's what happens when you have the option to leave thoughts unsourced. I guess that's the dark side in human nature isn't it? To hurt another person whilst masqurading in the dark unidentified? "Anonymous" just gets away with it, and there's nothing we can do about it.

I don't intend to do ellborate further so I'll wind up this post here.

I'd like to pose a challenge to the trolls - even the "anoymous" ones. Please do reveal your identity (either a first name or your blogging name)and speak in a manner that would make some sort of sense to the reader. I urge you to reveal your identity as this would make you feel some sory of responsibility for what you utter. It's an act of cowardice that causes you to hide behind your "anonymous" peudonym. At the end of the day, it's your conscience that should get pricked, for whatever you chose to leave by way of a comment, on a fellow blogger's posts. May that conscience be re-awakened in you, because none of us can get by in life hurting others along the way, with careless words and hurtful thoughts.

As the late great Michael Jackson sang, "I'm asking" you to change your ways.

100 Posts and still going strong!

I just wrote my 100th post and would like to thank everyone for caring and sharing.

Thank you All!

Breaking my bondage with Sex

This is going to be a very sensitive post and I don't know how this will end up. Whether it will be a cry for help or an admission of weakness. A resolute steadfastness to keep going the way I am, or a complete break down that will concur a change. This will be my most personal post and I hope that it will be well-received and not dished for being controversially out of line.

I seem to be having a problem that troubles me no end. It all began with a flirtatious affair that ended with a sexual twist many years ago. The inception of the sexual awakened in me, a yearning for those still unfulfilled needs to be met. I tried so hard to stay away from those moments I gullibly set myself up for. But I failed each time and ended up succumbing to temptation.

Being a girl, expressing my sexual needs has always been a taboo. But I soon began to experience all the sex the world had to offer, but not without conscience, ethic and a total unwillingness to break another's heart. I'm proud to put on record, the fact that to this date, I have never played - never toyed with another's heart. I have had my own heart broken and dashed into a million pieces, my own dreams taken cruelly away from me, but not one of those guys would ever testify to the fact that I have been party to hurting any one of them and that is some sort of solace in the wake of all that has been happening in my personal life. The most intimate moments I have shared have been moments that have left the guy happy and fulfilled. Sex has never been my ulterior weapon and I am determined that it should NEVER be.

However, I remain desperate at the mercy of my yearning for the act of love. It is found in places with enough ease to make me realize that I will never fall into the category of "desperate and needy", because I have always had a place to call my own. Arms in which to find love and keep love. Still, the patterns my life seems to be inviting and encouraging frighten me. In fact, I've begun to desire a life that is devoid of sex. So great is my keeness to address what seems to be a budding problem in my most personal life.

How does one stay away from sex all together? And with it I intend to attach masturbation and pornography. Fantasy and everything to do with sexual thoughts and lust. I have been told that this is an extreme and completely unnecessary road to journey on but the last few days have had me thinking and thinking hard about the direction my life is heading for. I need to make this change. I just don't know how to.

So please, if you have any thoughts or advice, tips or opinion, please share it with me. I'm tired of living this life. Others who look at me envy me, calling me the "doll" of any and every guy who dates me. But the truth is, my heart isn't happy with the way my life is going. Pornography is harmless, masturbation is a natural release, say my friends. But I know that in my personal life, these things are arrows pointing towards the big event - sex. And I'm desparate to stay clean and live a life that is pure and undefiled from it.

I have found my moments of depression stemming from the "morning after" feel that always accompanies the act of making love. I'm tired of the vacuum and emptiness that fills my mind. Sex is no longer a fun thing to do. Neither is it deep when accompanied with love. The reason for this? Is that I have been having too much of it. I've reached a point in my life where I have to do this for me, not regarding the relationships and ties that are involved. I just know there is an answer, I just haven't found it yet.

How does one stay away from sex?

100 Posts and Still Counting!

I just wrote my 100th post and would like to thank everyone for caring and sharing.

Thank you All!

New Responsibilities!

Today was a landmark in my personal life as I was entrusted the responsibility of handling a group which requires social skill, tact, indepth knowledge of infrastructure and the passion and zeal to carry things out with the least pressure on those I work with. The beautiful thing about the whole thing is that I was the unanimous choice when it came to electing a leader in the department and I slipped into the role with a lot of ease, all thanks to the management who were in charge and more than happy to welcome me in to the ranks as head.

Knowing that the position I am in and the office that I hold requires maturity and a leveled head, felt like a pat on the back and reminded me of the responsibility that I have to perform at my best and give back into this venture which gives me a lot personal satisfaction whilst raising my awareness of issues and the best ways in which to solve them. What I particularly appreciated about my promotion, was the personal improvement that accompanied the carrying out of duties, as the fuctions of a leader always shapes a person into a better person overall.

Here's a champagne glass on my behalf, to the new role that I've positioned myself into. The toast is to me!

There will never be another you, MJ

I can't even begin to describe the sense of sadness that engulfs my heart as I write this post. Michael was more than an icon to me when I was growing up. He was my companion through lonely nights as a kid, and his music videos always make me smile. The creativity of the pharoh scene in "Remember the Time", the innumerable celebrities looking for the king of pop in "Liberian Girl", the everchanging faces in "Black or White", the garage fight routines in his earlier 80s music videos. Who can forget them?

Whether or not he touched the kids he was accused of molesting, noone can take away his unique style and presence in the music scene which was unparallelled. Nobody will be able to do what he did. From his moonwalk to the phenomenal success of "Thriller" to his crotch grabbing "oo-oo"s, he was inimitable and the sweetness of his success was the softness of his heart.

Michael was known for his humanitarian touch. His Quincy-Jones/Lionel Ritchie collaboration for US for Africa birthed the advent of "We are the World" and I can't help tearing as I watch him come in on the chorus in his shining black shoes and white socks, hand in pocket, standing tall.

He had a sense of fear and his stress levels were always at their optimum. There was a time he adorned a face mask for fear of contamination of germs. A publicist states that a human being with that amount of stress could not have gone on living. He was also a sensitive, shy human being who broke down as he sang the 70s Jackson 5 classic "She's Out of My Life" which remains among the top 10 emotional songs to have ever been sung. Rumoured to have been written around the affair he is said to have had with Diana Ross who was many years his senior, his anger at her leaving him is said to have been expressed through the penning of "Dirty Diana" which he sang several years later. Yet there are some who say that theirs was a platonic relationship, the name "Diana" being merely a co-incidence.

Michael is said to have been a victim of his father (Joe Jackson)'s numerous affairs. He was an emotionally tortured child who witnessed the heartache and pain that his mother went through as a result of his dad's infidelity. Unlike his siblings Jermaine, Marlon, Tittie, Freddie, Latoya and Janet, Michael was an introvert who keep his feelings to himself and rarely made a public outcry. He was withdrawn yet confident. The moment he took the stage as the youngest member of the ensemble "The Jackson 5", he would move and dance with the confidence of a veteran and he amazed many during his "Dick Clarke" days.

I can go on and on and on about Michael but I will stop now. Let me end by saying that I will never cease to remember him. The pits of my stomache still ache from hearing his loss.

There will never be another you. You came into this world to make a mark. The world will not forget you.

RIP Michael Jackson : (

-justchillinslow.blogspot.com

Free Again!

The fear that constantly nagged me and knocked at the doorstep waiting to happen during the beginning of this week has sorted itself out! I've got my second chance and I'm delighted as a bunny holding a stack-ful of carrots in her hand!

Dee turned out to be the sweetest reciprocal person out there and completely forgot the one thing that was worrying me constantly. He chose to forgive and forget! We chatted for almost half a hour and he was the same old person that I first knew when we spoke. Awesome!!!

Having said that and breathed a sigh of relief, I'm not going to jeopardise our relationship or take things for granted by ever slipping up again. I'm so happy that things worked out for the best.

We've all got our share of second chances in life haven't we? Well I got mine and I'm eternally grateful for that. I'm a new, optimistic me and I'm thrilled at the turn of events.

Open Mic tonight!

All roads lead to the Inn on the Green when "Open Mic" takes the stage tonight. So all you bloggers out there in the Sri Lankan blogsphere, tonight's the night to meet your friendly fellow-bloggers, share a drink and say hello!

Open mic gives you the opportunity to recite poetry, sing, mimick, read your own favourite posts ... it's open to all and it's a great way to share your prose!

I'm pretty excited about it all and I'm looking forward to meeting you guys this evening.

The past few open mics were held at Tracy's place and this time promises to be even bigger and better!

Here's hoping I'll see you there!

How and Why?

Questions, questions and more questions. You must wonder what all this is about.

Well it's about the startling discovery - the sad discovery, that a friend I admire humongously - (a pure, sweet, angelic being of a woman), turns out to have a personality disorder that has just been classified as "compulsive liar's disorder".

How could this be? She was better than all of us put together. Add us up and divide us by our number and you'd still find double that amount of bad to be missing from her personality. She was a genuine good-hearted woman who never hurt a fly in her way. She was an absolute virgin when it came to men and her moral standards were awe-inspiring. She was the first to help a friend, the kindest out of all of us. How could this happen to her?

I still can't believe that she has turned out to be a person who can look me straight in the eye and spin a lie that streches across my face without batting as much as an eye lid. She has no conscience when it comes to fibbing her way through life.

But this is not the girl she once used to be. I still can't reconcile the two personalities. I long for the old her - the her that used to be able to advise, guide and teach us by example. The her that used to cringe at the thought of telling a half-truth and get hit affectionately, for being so naively good!

What happened to her? How could this angel become a she-devil? Is there any help out there for her? Is she even aware of her psychological make-up?

As her friend all I can do is sit her down and tell her that she needs to pick herself up and quit lying. But is it as easy as that? Compulsive lying is a serious thing which I believe requires professional help.

I'm going to do my best to get her that help.

I just feel so confused. I never expected her to end up this way. And given below are series of random thoughts that started going through my head.

How do you love a person the same way that you did before you found out that he was stricken with a disease that makes him half the man he used to be?

What is it that makes a good person turn bad?

It's kind of like the good milk turning sour when churned isn't it?

What makes the green budding flower fade and fall out of it's place on the branch?

What makes the fresh, smooth skin of a baby end up shrivelled up in wrinkles?

What makes the energy in a battery last long only to run down and die out?

What makes the innocent child grow up to be a guilty villian?

What makes the chalk write against the blackboard till it decreases in size?

Do you believe that there is good in the worst human being?

Can the sinner be redeemed?

How does the compulsive liar start speaking the truth?

How do you teach the thief not to rob?

What makes us turn a 180 degrees, to become whatever it was that we were when we first started?

I wonder if it's too late for my friend. She has already abused my trust. Even if she got better, would she regain all that she is steadily losing while we speak? I guess it's all in my hands and with regards to her, back to that age-old adage "self forgiveness".

But somewhere in all of this, I believe it's God she needs in her life. She needs a miracle to happen to her now, because she's barely unrecognizable to us all.

I can only hope she gets the help she requires. It really hurts when a friend goes through trying times like these. It's the first time I've encountered a compulsive liar! But I have to remember that she was someone else before all this happened to her.

Patience and compassion is what is required of all of us and I'm willing to extend that to the fullest. I just want her to be the old her.

I miss her.

How and why did this happen to her?

All about that "Anonymous"!!

#1 "Anonymous" loves to say what he does with as much guile and lack of common courtesy as possible.

#2 "Anonymous" loves to hide behind the pseudonym so that he can be free to express the real contents of his heart.

#3 "Anonymous" finds boldness to comment only when he stands behind the wall that does not allow bloggers to glimpse a vew of the "real" him.

#4 "Anonymous" says what he says with the confidence that he will never be found out. He therefore says that he would NEVER say had he revealved his real identity.

#5 Is there an "Anonymous" in all of us?

Not really.

#6"Anonymous" is diffident to attach a name to his quotes.

#7 "Anonymous" does not have a blog of his own and even if he does, he prefers not to draw attention to the connection between himself and his blog.

#8 We've all experienced a little bit of "Anonymous" every single day.

#9 "Anonymous" visits blogs and thrives on feedback/responses that may be made under provokation.

#10 On the rare occasion, "Anonymous" actually has something good to say!

Second Chances

Over the weekend I got to see a new side to myself. A side that wants to recompense for all the wrongs she has done. A calm and collected side to me that allowed all the hustle and bustle, the scurry and hurry of life rush past me while I stood for a moment and just absorbed the slow ticking of the hands of the clock..

But just when I was fitting comfortably into the snugness of self-actualization, something happened to burst the bubble of happiness. A bad deed that I had committed ages ago returned on my doorstep to haunt me, accompanied by packages of guilt and remorse. There to collect it were two of my best buddies. One a real darling, the other an "in and out" kind of friend. It didn't take too long for me to find myself knee deep in mud, trying desperately to come out.

To some extent, I have managed to wade through this trial with my face unscathed. But there's yet the possibility that I can find myself in deeper shit if a certain aspect of my past deeds is brought out. Things as they stand, resemble the makings of a time bomb. And I can only sit and wait indefinitely, hoping that the explosion never takes place.

It's funny how I was dealt out my punishment just when I had turned a new leaf in my book and made ammends with my past. I have no right to question life or querry into the advent of my chastisement because I have done wrong. But all I can do is hope and pray that Someone up there sees my heart and doesn't allow the exposure that can break the very heart thath beats to keep me going.

A second chance. That's all I ask for. As I sit and wait nervously with a genuinely repentant heart.

The past has a way of catching up on you. No deed you commit is ever done in secret. It will always be revealed isn't it?

Burn Out!

There's been a period in my life when things have grown stale and the journey weary. The shoes that have been on this pair of feet have been worn out travelling on roads that have been full of self-defamation.

Sometimes we can be our own harshest critic can't we? I know I am. I come down really hard on myself and punish myself whenever I go ahead and do something stupid or silly that I should never have done.

And I seldom reach out a helping hand to myself to redeem me and bail me out.

That's when I realized that sometimes we have to love ourselves before we can love eachother or ever prepare ourselves to receive love from someone else.

The danger of being around on this planet earth for a considerable amount of time is burning out.

Let's never burn out!

Scenes from a War front

Silently she watches,
waiting
in a pool of mud
behind the blades of grass
that sweep over the tips of of her helmet.

Her lover is at war
Shooting t-56 artilery at the enemy
While she watches his back
Heart beating, sweat beads and perspiration pouring
down the base of her spine

Suddenly up shoots a blast of smoke
That infiltrates the air like a cloud on top of a fountain!

She runs into danger and begins to shoot
Desperation fills her heart as chaos floods her mind
She races on with no thought or care for her own life

When suddenly

Her boot tilts over a soft bag of human flesh
Causing her to fall head-down and flat on the nose with a thud

Her gun leaves her hand and flies to the furthest ground
Her eyes turn back to see
The body of her lover

In soldier uniform
Lies the man who made love to her the night before
killed in the battlefront.

She clings to the ground and cries into the dust
Blood and sweat, teats and saliva pouring down
She screams in agony, calling out to her lover

She's too grieved
to notice the enemy's shadow
looming over her quaking body.

Bang!

And she is silenced.

Intense Hatred

How do you react when someone gets under your skin with a pitch fork in hand, to jab and dig at its soft, sensitive layers until it had made a permananent mark of wounded scab?

I'm a scorpio and I find I've got the personality of a rattle snake. For those of you who don't know, the rattle snake unlike anyother snake, never attacks unless provoked to, or under perceivable threat (in fearful situations in which it deems the opponent to be dangerous to himself).

But is it wrong to mark time until the opportuned moment comes in which to attack the very thing that hurt you immeasurably without care or concern for the damage caused? Translate that into a person. Is it wrong to let intense hatred drive you into hurting even in some small measure or quotient, the very person who hurt you until you bled in a previous instance?

How does one live on with old wounds and hearts? Act or react?

In love with Guy

My heart aches for his love and my soul is saturated with bliss everytime I hear from him. He lives a million miles away from me and I live a million away from him too.

He's been away for close to three and a half years now but the love I feel for him is still growing strong. We had the big "talk" and we decided that we'd be friends since both of us weren't going to see the light of the other for a couple of years. But we're still very much in love.

Everytime I think of a girl he's good mates with, it makes me burn up with jealousy and everytime I share my encounter with a member of the opposite sex, it makes him retreat into a mood that's got "sulking" written all over it. He's in love with my body, my mind and my heart. I'm in love with his love - for me.

Yet we're eachother's closest friends. We're eachother's soul mates. He can't go to sleep without confessing that he had a random sexual encounter with a girl that went horribly wrong, without my being the one to console him after admitting to my share of jealousy. He never misunderstands it, because it's exactly the same feeling that he has for me.

But we are friends. We have no right to be jealous of eachother's relationship woes we are - but friends. We can never be together. We've explored all options and avenues and reached the conclusion that we can survive but on texts and calls to eachother on a weekend.

He is committed and legally bound to live overseas, I am committed to living in the land that I was born in.

3 years have passed.

Still I remain, in love with guy.

Going Back Home

Today I'm going to make my way back into the arms of someone I left a long time ago.
Someone who always knew what was best for me and showed me the way.
Someone I've missed all of my life, someone I've forgotten to acknowledge all of my life.

I'm going home.

When depression hits me

I seem to be having a brush with that age-old fiend "Depression" in some small and disconcerting way. There's a dull sense of hopelessness and lifeless weakness in my bones that's making me trudge around the house in despondent routine.

I seem to be remembering the past quite a bit and longing for happier times and good old days when responsibilities, expectations and pressures to conform were as rare as a winter season in sunny Sri Lanka.

The worst part is that the career move I'm embarking on is going to see a regimented "no entertainment" month for me and this is not the best antedote for an already slightly depressive person like me! I'm going to have to live out the next 30-40 days and see how it goes whilst keeping my concentration levels high and my general positive attitude at its optimum.

What do you do when you get this feeling of lowness that just doesn't seem to go away? What makes you feel sad and lonely? Is it the weather? Is it circumstance?

I have absolutely no idea what to do but I'm waiting for this tide to turn.

Fingers crossed and waiting!!

Tired

Of waking up in the morning to the same routine, day after day after day
Of listening to the same old shows with the same old hosts on the radio
Of reading the same war-centered headlines in the newspapers
Of blogging ...

Life is like an elevator ride!

Just a little thought but isn't life like an elevator and the different floors we each get off at like the different stages of our lives in which we die?

The Ground floor where we all get in is like our birth.

The times others get into the lift at different floors are the times they all start living - some of them later than others.

And when that "ping" sound comes and the door opens for some of us, it's time to GO -To get off the lift of life and leave others behind.

And it's upto us to smile and mingle with those we take the elevator ride with.

Of course we can choose to ignore them and keep looking at the numbers by the door, pre-occupying ourselves with nothingess while we take the ride!

Life sure is like an elevator ride!

:)

Pornography stinks

It *** defiles the marriage bed, causing the subconscious to take over during sex
*** corrupts the mind
*** raises expectations of lovemaking to ridiculous proportions that are dangerously unhealthy
*** is proven to increase tendency towards depression
*** stirs up aggravated feelings of loneliness
*** causes alienation from the real world and distorts reality

Comments? Agree? Disagree?

The broken past and the broken future

Isn't it beautiful the way things have a way of sorting themselves out for the better?

I had the harrowing experience of dating a guy who was a horror as a partner. His temper was one noone could reckon with and his defiance of any type of regulation left him pouting stubbornly or sulking outside the door while I waited anxiously inside, waiting for the moment to pass. He's a guy who would get into fisticuffs if a fly as much as stared at him and no amount of begging and pleading would spare the said fly from his wrath.

Broken tumblers, damaged chinaware and the final act - a walk out with the threatening swear never to step in again would follow every visit to my parent's house and there were days on which I would stand nervously, all alone, partnerless at some wedding or reunion, just because he wasn't in the mood to socialize. Very often he'd stand stoically with an air of indifference as I broke down and cried. My pleas would always fall on intentionally deaf ears and standing dumbly as a lone guest, I would never quite have the right words or excuses to save me from complete embarrassment.

He never made an effort to support the family. I would sometimes beg him to go out there and make a living so that we could support ourselves without being at the mercy of debt-collectors but he was almost always out of work. He couldn't maintain a job because he'd get itchy feet, never able to stay in one place at a time and very often getting into blows with his superiors. Out of the goodness of my heart, I would squeeze out my life's savings just to get us both through the day.

I don't know what it was that separted us as a couple but God knows it was for the best. The agony I could have suffered at his hands would have taken away many years from my existence. I would have lost my smile, my passion and my confidence. He would never have made a good dad to my little kids - my precious children.

Today I'm on my own again, living my life and loving it. But every now and then, I remember the painful past and how bad things could have been and it's a bittersweet feeling I have.

Sorry I bored you guys with all this. I just had to vent it all out.

I want my old Kottu!

We have had Chilli Chocolate, The Real Nibras Bawa, Padashow, Padashow's alter-Ego The Maharajah of Bad ...

Starting things off for us who choose to stand on the sidelines, we are able to watch and read with amusement the insults and counterattacks that are hurled at eachother like a ping pong ball speeding its way to the nether ends of a table tennis table!

Some of us bloggers get involved in the game and express our disdain or approval, condonement or disapproval from time to time. And this has gone on for some months on Kottu, with trolls occupying as much of the traffic as those of us who choose to blog seriously and systematically.

But today I was reading a few posts on some of the blogs belonging to the trolls mentioned above and I felt sick to the stomach at how low the persons maintaining these blogs have stooped. From outing to character assassination to blog analysis (which is getting quite tiresome now), the fun of this whole game seems to have waned off, virtually disappeared and all we get at the end of it is a spoilt sport show that gains absolutely nothing out of this whole exercise.

The funny thing is that there seems to be a new advent to the troll phenomenon. The "counter"-troll or "wanna-be" trolls have emerged out of nowhere and continue to creep into the nooks and corners of the blogsphere, feeding on the posts that others have put up on their respective blogs.

I long for the days when Kottu was clean and troll-free. When the blogsphere was a friendly, intelligent, INTERESTING place that held such comaraderie and sporting spirit among us bloggers.

Whatever happened to the Sri Lankan blogsphere? :( It's just not what it used to be.

Bow in love?

I watched a horror movie with Bow a few days ago and spooked myself out to glory!!! The lights were switched off and the place was full of darkness save the fading light of a flickering street light directly opposite the window on the topmost floor of the apartment. As the protagonists started frantically running helter skelter in the dark, every shock made Bow's body shake with jolts that seemed like electricity bolts going through his body!

Somewhere between the scenes, Bow's hand landed on my jeans and wouldn’t move until I had placed my hand above his elbow. As I felt his shoulder affectionately, his hand took a hold of my fingers and he clasped my hand in his very gently.

As the movie ended and the credits began to roll, my expectation that the clasp that held our hands would break was not to be. It took a long while – the end of the movie virtually forcing him to reluctantly stand up and slip the DVD into his cover. But not before he turned his face and landed an unexpected, loving kiss on my surprised cheek.

Soon afterwards as he moved into the kitchen to fix us both some drinks, he sprang up from behind me and held my shoulders, giving me a hug that lasted a very long time. The hold was almost awkward and I had no choice but to end it by drawing his attention to some obscure detail of a compact disc that lay on his table.

Friends who’ve been with him feel Bow is in love with me. And they are not people to speculate without real reason. Something about the way he reacts when I’m around him makes me wonder if he does in fact have a soft corner in his heart for me. I don’t know.

Guys, reading this, what do you think?

Beautiful Sri Lanka

Choral Tribute by the Methodist College Choir of Colombo

And Kottu delays

It's been close upon 6 hours now and I haven't seen any of my latest posts making it to the syndicated log of posts. But that doesn't mean my blog hasn't been read. Or does it? :)

Anyways.

Does it really matter if bloggers don't read your rants and reviews? There is a quota among us who blog for the sheer love of writing or the opportunity to vent.

But there are still others who sabbotage their own dignity by resorting to more underhand tactics to get hits/lure the reader (who glances through the posts on Kottu's blog roll) to take a look at their respective blogs.

One such blog was that of rehani's whose headlines screamed out a title that included NB's name.

On clicking on the link, what followed was her self-proclamation that is was just a ruse to get some attention. An innovative way of getting one's blog introduced to the blogspere I must say! However, I found her latest cartoon-inspired post rather funny :) especially considering the fact that both RD and NB are bigger than that. Rehani to her credit acknowledges her love for them both and signs out only to be accosted by "Anonymous" who bursts her "right click" bubble!

What I was TRYING to say however, is that we've all gotten a tad too dependent on Kottu for our readership. All with the exception of St. Fallen here who cites a variety of optional alternatives including Google Reader and Achcharu. His main area of concern is that the expansion of Kottu results in an obese result when it comes to what we get on our hands as readers and I must say, he has a valid point.

At the same time it's important to keep in mind the sensitivities of those whose blogs may not be "upto standard" in our opinion. You see it's really difficult to stand in judgment over another person's work mostly because there isn't a standard set by anyone here in the blogging world. Or maybe there is - it's just that we haven't gotten down to identifying it. Adherence to any standard would definitely isolate for example those whose English writing skills are not on par with others which in my opinion wouldn't be fair.

And then you have the trolls and the LATEST albeit annoying addition to the bandwagon, the trolls who TROLL on trolls :)I say annoying, because it seems like such a waste! A waste of space, a waste of URL, a waste of time.

While Indi forces his social acts down our throats these days :)(actually I seriously think he's doing a superb job going out there and working among the IDPs. It kind of makes us wonder what we're doing here in the comfort of our homes and offices) Cerno has been endorsing using the Sri Lanka’s Top 100 Blog Posts Book to raise money to help/rehabilitate internally displaced people (IDPs)

So there you have it. The trolls, the ones who perform noble acts, the newbies, the skeptics - the whole lot of them living under one Kottu roof.

Maybe it IS high time we down-sized just a little bit. Perhaps it would be good if we had an alternative haven we could re-direct the rejects to. Or am I being too classist as a blogger? I don't know :)

One thing I DO know is that the Kottu fraternity is a tightly knitted one that has gotten used to the cynic in-laws who occasionally attempt to disrupt the steady flow of interaction.

Finally, we all come in different shapes and sizes and I wonder if this Kottu plate is enough for us all..

Addicted (fiction)

I have an addiction.
It’s a bad one.
I need help, but
I can’t tell anyone.

It’s something that’s keeping me
enslaved to it,
Yet I can’t seem to
break free from it.

The person who’s enslaving me, is the master of my fate.
And who is this master?
No one
but I.

Where do I go from here?
I feel hopeless.
I feel lost.

I see the rosy hue
It sits confidently on my spectacles.
I dare not wipe it
For fear that I may see the dangerous place I’ve gotten myself into.

Freedom, release, the lightness from it all!
How I long for it.

Bird, oh bird in the sky, why do you fly so high?
We mortals below look at you with envy
We ask to be like you.

Have I come here of my own doing
Only to die in these shoes?
Or am I meant to break free from this all
And run away into the night so you can’t enslave me again

Addiction, I speak to thee
Leave me alone. It is enough!
You have taken away my life’s breaths
And wasted them on mere nothings

Here I will not lie to die in my cage.
The bird is not you tonight, it is I.
Singing this sad, lonely song
As I look beyond the bars that crush my tender bones
And pluck at my feathers – one, by one

Until I die, alone, enslaved and lost
Inseparable from my addiction.

© Justchillin'

Hey my fellow Bloggers on Kottu!!

Complete or continue the following excerpt by leaving comments after the post. I will pick my favourite by the end of the month. Come on, try your hand at it. Good luck!
-justchillin'
_____________________________________________

Amir lay his left elbow against the rough tips of his feather-filled pillow and looked up at the creaking ceiling fan.

Outside, the thin drizzle had begun its nightly ritual of slapping the panes of his window. A thunder shower was emminent and he knew that it would soon drown out the clumsy noise of the bedroom door which would keep banging.

"Thud", "thud", against the cemented white wall, knocked the rough wood of the panels - over and over again.

The night had just begun and the snores of his neighbour confirmed that Amir was alone with his thoughts.

There were no eager human ears to listen to him, no flapping ears or earnest faces.

A sense of loneliness invaded the room and Amir could only lay still.

Memoirs from the past

When he walked out of my life, he never walked out of my heart.

It took me years to forget him. Painful memories would clutch the intestines of my lower abdomen and make my head hurt with a pain that few could heal.

But then there were the friends.

Friends who would comfort me, check up on me and see to it that everything was alright.

And of course he was there. In every town, in every place, from pillar to post, he was there. Nothing could ever help me forget this sweet guy whose lips tasted like salt, whose arms felt so secure.

And here I am in the then and now, loving him all over again. His voice still sends shivers down the base of my spine. He's still the love of my heart.

How does one break a habit?

It’s been 21 years and I haven’t been able to break the habit. 21 years is a long time and the times I’ve tried hard to stay away from it far outnumber the number of months in that amount of years.

How does one break a bad habit? It’s nearly impossible in my opinion. I've tried everything from rewarding myself to staying away from the things that trigger the compulsion to perform the said habit but just when I've thought I was nearing a breakthrough, I've given in and failed. The more I've thought about it, the more I've done it and the less I've tried thinking about it, the more I've given thought to it.

Any suggestions or thoughts on how one could break a habit? Would appreciate your comments and/or experience with the deadly "H" word.

N.B - The habit is not "Heroine" in case you wondered :)

Parents, Parents, Parents!

It’s really hard to make a stand when your opposition is as forceful as all the arguments you could make. What’s even harder is when the pressure to conform comes from no less than one’s parents.

Being an adult, the dynamics are quite different to when you were a child.

As little children we know that deep inside is this knowledge that mom and dad are right about nearly everything and possess at least some experience of a given subject matter in greater proportions that we do. We may know that they are right but we also have our own hazy view of things which we don’t have as much confidence as the enthusiasm to see it through.

Then we grow older and stronger in our opinions, likes and wants. The conflicting views are debated on with as much personal belief as with self confidence and an air of indifference to the consequences of disobedience. Hence the title “rebellious teenager”.

But what do we do when we as adults, disagree with our older parents? How do we stand our ground? Do we? Do we grudgingly compromise for the sake of peace? How do we deal with our parents who have no right or say in the matter but at the same time, need to be handled tactfully and wisely? After all, we being adults ourselves, we cannot resort to the arguing operandi that we did during our growing up years but it’s so darn difficult when we also realize that we aren’t little children anymore isn’t it?

What on EARTH should we do in situations like these? :)