Bitterness expressed

Sometimes along life’s way, we bump into some pretty attractive people. The last friend I had was one such hugely attractive person who stood out in my memory as someone I could share almost anything with on a common-ground. He was my best friend, my twin soul. The friend I could share almost anything with - until he fell in love with me.

Thereafter I began to see another side to him. The ugly head of possessiveness and bitter retorts raised itself and soon he succeeded in making me lose my faith in a lot of things that I held dear to me. The manipulation should have been enough to drive me away. Do you think?

Sadly, no. You see, I’m a very forgiving person and there’s a streak of kindness that runs through my veins, which makes it near impossible for me to ever retort back or hurt a person’s feelings. There are many things that are arguably in my favour if I were to summarize on why exactly he ought to be thankful that I still speak to him and care about him the way I do, but I have realized that I am the way I am not because I expect anything in return, but merely and simply because that’s the way I am. To be any other way, would be to be a poor duplicate of the original person that I’ve learnt to be me.

Perhaps this only puts me on the line to get hurt again. Or should it be over and over and over again? If it were many years ago, I would have simply run away and put an end to my friendship with him, refused to budge when he brought up some meaningless topic that would strain the energy and arguing life out of me, and stayed away from him.

But now, older and wiser, I find myself adopting a different stance. I’ve learnt to stay friends with him but only with a metal-steel chain around my heart. Its lock is now well and truly sealed and there’s nothing he can say or do to open it again. However, I’m now capable of staying friends with him with no more inner sentimental babyish bawls that would make new wounds open up in me. I feel I have grown up. I am no more dependent on his friendship which has shown a few true colours, to maintain my sanity or inner companionship. My innermost soul knows that he has become more of an acquaintance than a true friend.

Pehaps that’s my defence mechanism kicking in. Just my way of dealing with the guy who I genuinely do care for on a platonic level. But as for any other sort of trust of faith or dependency, I’m not ready to open my heart again.

What do I do with everything that I have trusted him with … all that I did in the past that he seems to not appreciate? I consider it footnotes to a lesson that I’ve learnt in life with regards to him. The lesson being that you do get all types in this world. Some will hurt you unknowingly, and abuse the kind heart that you have. Some may feed on the forgiving nature that they have seen within you. But none of them know that deep inside of you is a heart that watches all, observes all, and makes its own notes in silence.

And I think… I have… a booklet.