Love and lies

“I’d lie for you and that’s the truth!”

Ever remember Meatloaf’s constant fascination with the “L” word during the early 90s? Well that’s what my post is about and I’m hoping that you’d be able to help me out because I’m completely lost, lonely, livid, languishing and loving - lies.

You see it all began with an internet romance.

I was the unsuspecting friend, comrade, partner in whine (or crime) and he was the perfect stranger. Time rolled by and the texts came in. We started getting as close as calling. Real time separating us though the boundaries of masses of ocean didn’t mean a thing and the distance made our hearts grow fonder. I however, remained faithful to the descriptive of the complete dictionary definition of “platonic” and what a relief that was, to my soul. It made me free to talk, to ramble, pour out my at times wounded heart, to share, laugh with, to pick up the phone and text some expletive and have my kindred soul – friend at the other end, laughing, agreeing, arguing and advising (the “a”words! – it’s all about the letters isn’t it?!)

And then he fell in love.

And in with the mayhem.

Ever since he fell in love, came the passion, pleas, possessiveness, paranoia (yes – all the “p” words!) But I kept things in “p”erspective and we both knew that we could never have each other. On with the friendship! And this is where I began to crumble, to deteriorate, to sin. For all the attention I was getting, was the pressure to live up to this complete goddess image he had created of me. I could do no wrong, so lies, lies, and more lies. I was never a liar to begin with and I insist that I am and was a good person but I started finding myself craving for those beautiful lullaby- like love texts he sent me. When they subsided and he held back, in with the lies about some dastardly wicked thing some non-existent friend has done to me. NOBODY (other than you my readers) knows that these little white lies have been part of my routine when it comes to my friendship with Mr. Overseas.
I searched my soul and looked deep inside to see this poor soul who was losing a battle with the squeaky clean person I began with, batter my self esteem to the ground with guilt.

Am I in love? Yes. In love with the attention. But not in love with him. I never asked him to fall in love with me. Who’s to blame? Why has he made a liar out of me? To be fair, Mr. Overseas has hurt me with his paranoia. His outbursts of jealousy were all the reasons why I had to lie and avoid telling him the truth at certain times. A typical Cache 21 situation.

I tell myself that I can’t live this way with the only friend in the world (out of a good 500 on Facebook) that knows me the most, yet makes me become the worst. My personality has changed from being a conscientious, friendly person, to a guilt-tripping, “eager to please” person. You see, whenever he gets upset, it’s all my entire fault. No – I mean it. It really is.

I’ve lied for him ... – and that’s the truth..