Dear diary

There are times I have failed my God hook, line and sinker. I have doubted Him, lost faith in Him, fallen many a time into sin and refused to come out, and lost my child-like faith, my first love, my simple, implicit trust in Jesus and the Person of God as Saviour of my soul and the world.

I’ve slipped, I’ve stayed down for more than a year, I’ve looked around at my aetheist friends, celebrated their non belief, questioned God, accused God, and fallen out of touch with God.

I’ve hidden away from Him and felt rejected and abandoned and left to live alone, reveling in the things of the world that I’ve looked to to give me longlasting joy, companionship in this lonely world. Direction, meaning and life and hope, knowing in my heart that all this comes from surrendering to the true person of God who I once gave my life to.

Life has changed since I was a kid going to Sunday School. When I was little, my mind was unpolluted, my heart unstained, my body pure and clean and uncorrupted. We’ve all been that way in our childhood haven’t we? I try to trace the roots of disbelief and where they came from and I realize that it all began with a voluntary wandering off on my own into the enticing adult world and all its little sins that were condoned and approved of.

The more I wandered, the more my Father God’s heart seemed distant from mine. I realized that He’s not a God who forces His way into our lives. To that extent, He is a GentleGod (as in “Gentleman”).

Sometimes I wish He did grab me by the scruff of my neck and kept me close to Him, never allowing me to turn my back on Him and grow cold in my heart. Yet time and time again, whenever I have come back to Him, He has been there, with outstretched arms, with all the love I could ever find, pouring upon me. I feel it. I know it. And I embrace that love like a lost sheep. I embrace it with all my heart.